cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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