don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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