as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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