He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
