the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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