So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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