We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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