First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
