I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
