if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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