Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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