Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
