got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
