is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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