Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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