i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
