Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
If that was your dad, he is hot
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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