I CAN MOONWALK!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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