Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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