pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
