Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
