he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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