aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
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What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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