Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
