Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this just has baby written all over it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
