I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
