I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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