Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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