My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
