Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
