I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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