two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
