I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
