My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
