Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
