She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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