Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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