What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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