You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
