I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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