he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
