I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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