I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
