sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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