No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
