Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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