Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
