she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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