apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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