dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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