ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
