Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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