Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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