some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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