We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
