I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
