My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
