The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
