It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
