Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
