I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
